Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
