hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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