TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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