I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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