in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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