This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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