Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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