Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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