i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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