Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize