my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
