I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
