booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
