you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
