You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
