I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you never un-have a 4some
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
