'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize