I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We are two peas in an std pod
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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