i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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