Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
