We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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