Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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