sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
