you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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