Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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