Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
