Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
