Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
