I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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