so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize