My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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