8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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