Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
