And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
