glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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