Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
