i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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