it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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