shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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