Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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