She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize