He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
