Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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