If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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