Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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