I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
