A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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