I wannas sexs uuuuu
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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