I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
