genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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