i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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