I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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