Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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