Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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