We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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