dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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