Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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