Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
a search helicopter?!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We're too hungover to prance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
