make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
