glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
